Due to discussions all over the place about moving to DW, or not paying LJ anymore, I'm reposting this tutorial I made long ago about how to have unlimited free icons.

DW icons @ free accounts are very limited in number. As said, DW costs more.

This lets you have as many icons as you want for free and to fit them into a comment so they look nice, as long as you have no default icon for the journal, and I'm including that info here again. I personally have all of my icons for prydeful uploaded on one page on my server, so I can copy the url and insert it with the coding with ease.

I will create pages and FTP accounts for anyone who would like them--be it for LJ or DW use--to have all the icons for all the pups or personal ljs they want on one page. You can host them anywhere, though, that allows you to link and embed images. I simply find it easiest to have all of the icons on one single html page, especially when I want to add a new one. It's also very easy, access-wise.

Now, on to how:

1) Upload your icons somewhere first. As said, I will offer hosting for anyone who wants to put them all on one html page (or all for one pup on one html page, all for another on a second, etc) with an ftp username and pw. I'm willing to do this whether you use this on LJ or DW. Just email me at comfortable.in.shadows@gmail.com and ask.

2) Bookmark the page(s) that you have icons uploaded to; you will be having them open quite often.

3) Now, you want to set up your journal(s) account(s) with "no default icon".

4) When you are starting to make a post OR a comment, the FIRST THING you put in is this:

[IMG SRC="the-url-for-the-icon-you-want-in-this-comment" ALIGN="left" HSPACE="10" VSPACE="10"]

Obviously, the brackets are swapped for arrows.

5) What will it looks like? Something like this:



On DW, this allows you to save quite a lot of money. I know that I, personally, could not afford paid accounts and icons there.

And if you want to use it at LJ because you're angry, or it saves money, you're welcome to as well, as said. You may also upload images for the profile page, or headers and other images for journal layouts.

Again, if you would like me to host this for you and set up and FTP account (and walk you through how to use it, if need be) simply email me at comfortable.in.shadows@gmail.com, and we'll get it set up. :)

- read The Hunger Games. Thoughts may come later; I think I want to read the sequel first.
- downloaded all 6 eps of Wendy and the music vid.
- discovered there may be a season 2 of Wendy.
- could barely eat 2 meals; I had no idea I ate so few calories. The portions I'm told to eat just don't fit. But by God I ate healthily.
- walked .4 miles and worked on my arms for a while.
- started to feel extremely bad from the Lyme, and thus may be going to bed early. Very early.
- decided after doing my unit of work tomorrow to go through books and decide what to sell; I need to cull.
- started debating giving up comics.
- found out about the 8th Dark Tower novel. Which according to Sai King is EITHER set between books 4 and 5, or about Roland and Cuthbert taking on...werewolves. Ooookay. I think it's called the Light in the Keyhole. Don't quote me, google it to find out for certain.
- realized once I'm done with this getting-in-shape deal, I'm basically going to need a new wardrobe, and then realized I've never thought about what kind of clothes I LIKE for...ever. I just wear what's there. That is changing. Also, shoes. I want more than two pairs.
- sketched out a crochet pattern for another purse design.

I will be Living Alone. Mind, I've essentially lived alone before, but I still had to get agreement on decoration, etc.

Will it be small? HELL YES. I know this. I think if there's something between studio and one bedroom, that's about it.

I know I want to paint. I know I have lots of things to hang I never have.

So. A meme! That I shall use for inspiration.

When you picture my home, any room of it (being my apartment, not my parents house), what do you picture being in it? How do you see it decorated? Help me, FList, I painted the last, like, five places exactly the same. I need a change.

First, I'm not quitting RP. I am staying in all teh games, LJ and DW, I'm in for the moment. I have three plots with Kitty in Milliways, another new char I apped, stuff still with Del and Death (I never said they were gone), and I play Kitty in a DW game, that thank GOD with the flu past I can soon get back to.

That said.

...I don't really need these journals anymore.

I don't think most people care. I'm better, I'm worse, my liver's failing, I'm happy, I'm sad--whatever. But it's my life.

And I'm taking it back.

I'm not deleting these journals. In fact, I'm still using them. Quite a bit. I'm writing at least two things a week, starting next week, this year. And I may post things to share, or something silly. I have an obsession with Tyler Blackburn, atm, that may make me even watch Pretty Little Liars. (I kinda liked the books, really. But God. Not only is he my age, but the man is exactly my type.)

But my life, me, the intimacy--a lot of people lost the right to that. And others never wanted it.

And, most importantly, it's mine. And I'm keeping it close. It's not the internet's anymore.

I said I have PTSD. I'm not going into names, but I'll say this: every form of abuse you can think of, I've gone through. I will not be more descriptive than that, but you get the idea.

And I dealt with it.

That doesn't make me stronger than anyone else, but it does mean I was as strong as I had to be. And that's all you can hope for.

There will be private entries. I have a very real sense of my mortality these days. I'm emailing three people with links to certain entries, once they're up, and my password; if something happens to me, they are to make them public and link to them, with instructions to ask certain people in particular to read them.

I think part of the reason I used this journal system was to be busy so I was never angry. I was terrified of ever being angry. I knew peace. And I knew love. And I knew sudden, brief, turned-my-vision-red RAGE that died down immediately and left me feeling guilty, when it all boiled over.

2011 wasn't all bad. I learned to be angry, to deal with it, to let it go, and to forgive and love even those who hurt me most. I fell in love. I was kissed. I was a girlfriend for 24 hours. I was dumped. I dealt with all that too. Which is all you can do.

I learned that Christ's teachings and Christianity are very different things. And I learned that I can love Christ's teachings and follow them and be any other religion in the world, because it comes down to this: Don't be a hypocrite. Forgive and be open to love, otherwise you'll close yourself off with just your pain. Honor God by following the spirit of the law as well as the letter. Treat others as you'd be treated. Be honest

I can do those things and honor those things in just about any religion, I think. Not all. But most. And that's what's always been dearest to me. I think the human Jesus was always more beautiful to me than the God Christ. I think that's why, with all its inaccuracies in every religion, I love the book Lamb, because it looks at the human part. The part that the Gospels skip over, except for when Jesus weeps and in the Garden, when he asks the burden to be taken to him, and when on the cross he cries out asking God why the Lord's forsaken him.

Most people take days to die by crucifixion.

Jesus died in three hours.

Miracles come in all sorts of forms.

I read about an Orthodox Rabbi in Britain in...the 1600's, I think. Very respected, then, and now, who went about interviewing various Christian religious.

He came to the conclusion that Jesus and St Paul were part of God's plan for humanity, so that monotheism might spread throughout the world.

I'm not a huge fan of St Paul. I admit it. But I could buy that. I know, in my heart, Jesus was part of God's plan. I don't know anything more than that. That doesn't feel like enough to be a Christian, but it doesn't feel like enough to honor the Red-Letter-Words in the Gospels.

I'm still working it out. I don't know. But it's important. I want to. So I focus there a lot.

But beyond that, I'm not writing about religion either, for the most part.

And unhardening my heart? That's important. I might make some public. But that's mine, too.

So it's a change. Writing, and exercise, and diet, and silly things, and music, and tv, and book reviews. And I'll read your journals, and I'll keep RPing.

But I'm taking my life back from the net. It's not yours to share anymore. Because I don't know who cares.

But please, if you want to, you're welcome to. My email is comfortable.in.shadows @ gmail . com. Email me. Talk to me. Tell me what's what. The 411, as it were. Share things with me. Ask me for my phone number and call me! Gab and chat. And I'll welcome you.

I'm still here. I'm still writing. It's just a change.

I woke up January 1st, and I decided this was my year. Everything I have is invested in healing.

And in letting myself be angry where I should have been long ago.

And in walking away, where that's the best thing, the message I get, that I'm not wanted, because that's the best I can do, then. And leave the message behind that they're always welcome to come find me.

---

It's going to be an interesting year.

I'm not sure how. Different, of course.

But definitely interesting.

I'm okay with that, however it works out.

*giggles* I'm sorry, I'm just surprised so many people thought that when it wasn't what I meant or thought I'd written.

I'm not abandoning any journals. I'm just using them differently.

I got my most recent blood work back.

A fair amount was quite good, really.

My liver continues to slowly--fail? Not work as well? They mean the same thing, but the first sounds melodramatic, and the second sounds...like someone's work evaluation, I guess. And the thing is, it's not doing HORRIBLY or anything, it's just...I know it's not doing well, either, and getting worse, even if very slowly. It's hard to figure out how to feel, to be honest, at all.

So. Not feeling in the best mood.

My last two work checks haven't come, so I'm owed over $100. And I owe about $300, ONCE I PAY THAT $100 towards debt.

Oh, and I'm on extension, but I still feel shitty, so I'll probably need to pay another $75 for a second month.

Good news: bought the stuff for the Flat Belly Diet, which I really am promoting, as last time I did it I lost unhealthy weight in areas I needed to, had more energy, strength, and endurance, and less stress. Actually, I promote getting both that and the Flat Belly Diet! Pocket Guide, as it has things like check-off shopping lists for each week, and options of what you can eat at restaurants and alternative food brands. The other book, meanwhile, has a lot more info, exercises, journal entries, and I think more recipes.

There is a cookbook, but honestly, don't bother buying it. Go to Prevention.com (who publish the books) and there are hundreds (I admit, that's a guesstimate on my part) of recipes for free for all four meals you have each day (breakfast, lunch, a snack that's normally a smoothie, and dinner).

As for the exercises in the main Flat Belly Diet book, they are designed to be things you can fit into your schedule, whatever it is; the author is a mother of three young children, and when consulting various experts for different parts, she wanted that to be one condition of the exercises. The other: no crunches. At all. They're proven to not be that effective anyway.

It's also designed to be cheap. If you have a Wii to use, great! If you want to just use the various exercises (including walking and running; walking is important and emphasized, so you do it each day, but if you can't go out for some reason, you can use something with the Wii or an exercise bike, or similar indoor exercise machine) in the book, then all you need to buy are:
- 2 sets of dumbbells (one heavier, one lighter, to work your way up)
- an exercise mat
- the book
- reflective shirt for when you're walking, depending on what times you are and where

If you WANT to, you can get the following things:
- An arm/leg band to hold your ID and keys, along with a ten or something
- Your cell phone, and a way to clip it to you, if you can't keep it in your purse comfortably
- If you want to, a way to attach your MP3 to yourself, and earbuds that stay on or an MP3 player with build in speakers
- Pedometer

More exercises of other types, along with playlists, and all kinds of related health info is on Prevention.com, to boot.

I'm linking to the two books on Amazon, as I did above, too, but you can get them for as well on Abebooks.com, though not necessarily for less. I see several for a buck on both sites. You just have to look. And not mind used if in good shape, from BOTH sites. But really? One isn't better--or cheaper--than the other, so check both. (And yes, I link with my affiliate account. It costs you no more than buying it without the affiliate code in there, I promise, whether you buy new or used, it helps me out, and there's Abebooks.com if it's cheaper.)

When I link to them on Amazon below, I'm also linking to the other existing ones, like the one for men, or diabetics.

I KNOW this helped me; I just need to get back to it. I may post excerpts or brief scans here or there from it, because it really is easy. (Why did I stop? My feet hurt so badly I couldn't stand to cook. Yep. That was it.)

Anyway. Here are the books, but a last note: I recommend getting the Pocket Guide with whatever main book you get as well. And, while I'm including a link to the journal, a journal is in the main book (at least the one without "for men" or "for diabetes" in the title.). Photocopy and/or a computer program can be your money-saving friend.

The Books

- The Flat Belly Diet: Hardcover | The Flat Belly Diet:: Softcover
- Flat Belly Diet! Pocket Guide: Introducing the EASIEST, BUDGET-MAXIMIZING Eating Plan Yet
- Flat Belly Diet! for Men: Hardcover | Flat Belly Diet! for Men: Softcover
- Flat Belly Diet! Diabetes: Hardcover


The Cook Books and Journal, If You Really Want Them

- Flat Belly Diet! Journal: Write Your Way to a Flatter Belly
- Flat Belly Diet! Family Cookbook
- Flat Belly Diet! Cookbook

I made one for DW and one for LJ, almost thesame name on both (LJ's is 12colors12month as it ran out of room.):

12colors12months and 12colors12month

For now, join (and pimp) both. Once there's four or so members, we'll decide if we use one, the other, or both with crossposting for people who don't use both systems and really prefer the one they do. If we decide on LJ, we can change the name to something else if people prefer, like 12colors1year

I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Distress Disorder. Sometimes you get it from events that involve people. Sometimes people aren't involved at all.

I'm not telling you how I got it; it's not yours to know.

I was diagnosed, though, in 2007. Events later that year, and in the following, worsened it, though I don't blame anyone involved in the worsening. Some knew I had it, some didn't; I wish I had had more support, but what was, was.

In the end, you have to deal with it on your own. There is no point in being angry at people, be they those who worsened it, accidentally or unknowningly (which I think is often the case) or at people who I had hoped would give support, or at people involved in causing it, if there were any.

I realized that I need to define what I mean, as I go through this. When I talk about a hardened heart, I can mean three different things; what I meant as the most painful one is a theological term I apply to four people only.

Forgiveness is the most important one to define. As a person, I have to forgive for my health and the health of the other, whether I see the results for them or not. As a follower of Christ (and I use that, now, not Christian, as I think I have been too hurt by Christians and Christianity, seen the rules changes when convenient too many times), I have to say that forgiveness is more than a neutral feeling. I found a quote, in looking up things on forgiveness--not a religious one--and this is what I mean.

"Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact, we are held hostage by our anger. It is never too late to forgive. But you can forgive too soon. I am especially wary of what I call saintly forgiveness. Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict. They're afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground. I define forgiving as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving state -- and not merely within the relationship -- we feel good about ourselves and the world. True forgiveness isn't easy, but it transforms us significantly. To forgive is to love and to feel worthy of love. In that sense, it is always worthwhile."
-Robert Karen, Phd Bottom Line Personal, November 1, 2001

I was raised Catholic, and I think in Catholic terms, and so I think of the sacrament of Reconciliation. And that is exactly what is described here, by this doctor, with nothing to do with religion at all.

I have learned to let myself be angry. And I have worked through the anger, and that is why this is such a painful process for me; each person, each event, I have to go through and relive emotionally and experience the anger I repressed, because I was afraid of it.

But I can't be afraid of it anymore, or I'll never do what I need to do.

I was reading the first volume of the Temple of the Twelve last night, Novice of Colors, and I found myself weeping without realizing it, as it touched something that I'd bandaged up but had never healed, something related to my PTSD.

And then I was sobbing. And it was okay. And I'm writing this, personal as it is, and making it public, because I know there are others like me, in one way or another, who need to know one or more parts of this.

I don't name names--which may mean some people assume I'm talking about them. I can't help that, though I can say that those who do are often wrong. But privacy is my gift to everyone who needs it.

I just want to say this: I love you. I forgive you. And I welcome you. I am careful, yes, and some of you I don't have the strength to seek out. But I'd welcome you--sometimes with caution--if you approached me.

I'm imperfect. But I've had my pain, and I've had my anger, and now I've forgiven and let go. I am capable of reconciliation with man, like (though mine is such a lesser extent) the reconciliation I am so grateful God grants me, knowing I'll never earn it.

I could see much more clearly after I cried what damage I could have done, i fI hadn't decided to do this to and take these steps to grant me peace, both now and for whenever I die. Before, my anger and fear and pain was like a shield around me; nothing could get in to hurt me.

But none of the pain could get out, either. And if I had kept it up, I would have cute myself off from so many things.

Hard hearts are strong in their own way, after all--but not all kinds of strength are good. Not if it keeps the good things out and the bad things in as well as other bad things out.

I had such a moment of peace and clarity in reading that section of the book last night; to me, the Colors are all aspects of the one God, which is the One Black spoke of. And I just happened to read the right thing from the right color at the right time.

And so I can honestly say, I forgive you. With all that means, as I've defined it. I love you.

I can't apologize for things never done. But for anything I have done, I do repent and ask forgiveness from you and God both, and would perform penance if asked.

But whether you forgive me or not, I forgive you, all of you--I'm in different stages for some people than others, but I'm working on every one that needs the work.

And to all of you, I love you. Deeply, personally, closely, and truely. And it's not just words.

It may not mean anything to you at all. I know that.

But it's still true.

I have about four or so styles of purses that I am crocheting; they're all based on patterns I've modified.

I have several different colors and types of yarn that I am using, then, to make these purses, some in several different combinations.

If interested, please comment here with your email. I'll include you on an email that shows 1) drawings of the four purses I'm making which are modified designs of others, 2) a Tardis purse (sadly not bigger on the inside than the outside, but still roomier than you'd think), 3) what the fabric produced is like when I combine more than one type of yarn, and 4) other types I could do easily.

If interested, you can commission one (or more). I don't take a downpayment until I am at the point of starting your purse/bag; the downpayment is the cost of materials only. After the purse/bag is done and you're satisfied, I charge the rest of the fee (shipping and handling, plus something for my time, which we agree on at the start as being fair.

The total cost can vary between about $14-25, depending on size. The larger the bag, the more the cost. Each bag is one of a kind.

And most contain a geek reference or two in the details. ;)

(I have one bag that is a lovely thing, and a perfect gift for bridesmaid from the bride; I'll work with the bridge, too, to find yarn that isn't expensive (like buying in a lot on ebay, or whatever is needed) and matches the wedding colors well. It looks sort of like a flower blooming, and is round.)

Money is...really, really quite tight, as it gets from time to time when my medication either gets more expensive or more numerous, so I'm hoping to do what I can with this to help.

If not interested yourself, please, link to this post anyway?

Thank you.

Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new. | Og Mandino (1923 - 1996)

The holidays are nearly here, though it doesn't feel that way. And so I have holiday icons, four different ones. I love the one of the pink ornaments on the white tree the best, I think; it makes me think of eating pure snow that tastes the way you think it should when you're a toddler, and what Candyland might really be like if you stepped into it, ornaments really fruits that taste like nothing imaginable and everything desirable.

I have so much work it makes me almost ill; the problem is, of course,that I am ill with it. My head throbs and my chest still hurts rather badly. I need to take a muscle relaxant for pain, but that means taking a pill to stay awake, and it feels like all my day is filled with tablets and capsules and liquids and ointments and shots, each one to balance out or protect against another, and then those few that kill the diseases themselves.

It's December, and even though it's been rather warm here in Tennessee, it's cool outside; I feel like it's the middle of July, and my stomach rebels against the mixtures in it.

---

I pray, each day. For people who I doubt would ever think I do. I was a minute ago. I pray for their peace, for their health, for their grace; for fortune in their lives, for health, for needs to be met, for them to know forgiveness is granted and for them to forgive in return, and for ever and always love.

---

I am so tired. I kept up the wall against reality and fear and thinking about some things I know I'll be stuck with all my life for so long, and I didn't even realize how much work it was. But I half-wish it was still up.

I never said I was brave. I never said I was strong. I never said I could always be okay with this and deal with it at all, and especially never said I could do it alone.

I feel very alone, most the time. Not always. But most the time. Alone and lonely, unimportant and fading into the background and given little thought by most. (I feel; logic has no place, sometimes, except to make me feel guilty, too, every now and then, about feeling so.)

And the worst part is being afraid to ask for the support or help you need, even if it's just to talk about it--because what if listening is too much?

And then I'll be even more alone than I am now.

---

I have schoolwork to do; I have 7 days and I really need to do a week's worth each day. For my brain, this is easy. For my body--

I am so frustrated with my body. With my body, with life, with the stubborn natures of others and with wondering about my own. I am so frustrated with wishing that someone would stand up for me, or hold my hand. I am so frustrated with having to be understanding on top of the rest.

And I have to. Because I can't be me and be otherwise.

But it wears, too, and I feel so tired that I wonder, with all the mess and all the wear and tear, why I bother trying to do so much and why it's so important to me to do this or that.

(And the answer is, because I'm me. And I made up my mind to do this long ago. To love and to forgive, to understand and to stand up for others unconditionally, not to be angry if it doesn't happen when I need someone to do it for me, to protect others from embarrassment even if it would be easier on me to reveal their actions, to be truthful and kind both, and to never give up. And I have to keep doing it, imperfectly though I may, to keep trying to be the me I'm meant and need to be.)

---

Nerves in my lower back have degenerated rather a lot from--oh, from one of them. Lyme, bartonella, babesia, what does it matter which? One did it. There's only so much healing--"repair work"--that can be done, and it can only be started when I'm totally well. And until then, they degenerate more.

Sitting hurts. Standing hurts more. I worry I'll end up in a wheelchair again; I was for a while in high school.

---

The essence of Christianity is something I love with all my heart.

But Christianity as a religion involves communion with the other as well as communion with God. And too many times I've been hurt too badly by Christians who were not at all Christ-like, with hardened hearts and unwillingness to forgive, even if they were in turn. And that's the most critical part, to forgive, to work and rebuild, to accept the penitent and the prodigal home again.

If you're turned away enough--by individuals or organizations, by a bishop, a teacher, a parishioner, a fellow worshiper, a pastor, or even a friend (Brothers and Sisters in Christ, are we not?), no matter if it's a member of your denomination or another--then you stop trying to come in.

Maybe that's what it is most, for me. I've always said I would never give up, but maybe I'm at that point anyway. Or too tired to try. Maybe for now, or maybe for always.

I don't know.

But I can't not think about it. And it hurts as badly as anything physical could.

---

I have work to do. I'll do my best to get it done, even if it kills me. If not, I'll retake the course--again.

I wish the schoolwork was all I had to deal with. That would be so simple.

---

I want to live, not just exist.

I want to love, and for it to be known.

I want to dance, and for it not to hurt.

I want to forgive, and I want to be forgiven.

I want to go home, and I want to be welcomed back.

---

I miss something.

I don't even known what anymore.

---

I'm not depressed--or, rather, I am a bit, but that's not the motivating...force, emotion, choose the term you like best, within me at the moment. And by "the moment" I mean "since that appointment".

It's--it's a lot of things, I guess. It's love, and fear, and a constant sense of time, and pain--and more, the utter absence of pleasure--and determination, and a need to keep going when I feel like I'm on empty. And feeling like I've been drenched in reality and awareness, of knowing exactly what each thing about my body and health and medications means.

And I continue to believe I will get entirely better, that I will be cured and okay and have a life, a good one, and I live like this will be so.

But all the rest is in my head now, too. Almost all the time.

And that, too, wears me down.

Choose Any/As Many Numbers As You Want And Ask Me The Associated Question(s)



Seriously, ask anything.

---

I'm still stuck on this, and I probably will be for a good while, though it won't take over the blog. I do suspect I'll ask for ideas from time to time, or help if needed.

I promised myself I'll have no regrets when I die and leave nothing undone, and that is a promise I intend to keep, by God.

---

I don't know anymore what religion I belong in. Oh, I know God exists; I know God is loving. I know Christ and his work and death was part of God's plan for humanity, and I believe his teachings; I'm not sure I believe what people teach about him.

I don't know where I'll end up. But I'm not worried about that either. I don't have the energy to be worried, or anxious, or hold grudges, or hate. And I refuse to do any of them, either. What a waste of a life.

I think part of what finally pushed me over the edge was seeing so many people who claimed to be Christians act in such un-Christ-like ways. And that's almost a sort of cancer that eats away at true Christianity. Perfection is not required. But when the behavior, the average behavior, is un-Christ-like and it does not change...then there's a problem. And it decays the Church, eats away at all those who attend.

And it hurts.

And I don't think I can do it any more. God is my mother/father, my Ima--my informal name for God, like Mummy or Daddy, when I was little--and I love God. I feel God's presence every moment, or else I'd have just fallen asleep and never woken up a long time ago.

But I look at this path, and I look at so many others on it, and I see cruelty and abuse and hypocrites, in all denominations, I see anger and grudges and people who'd much rather hold on than let go, who harden their hearts instead of forgive, who close the door when someone knocks on it--and I feel tired and weak.

No religion is perfect. No human is perfect.

But I worry Christianity has worn me down, and I can't afford that anymore.

---

If it's in my head, it may as well be in yours, too. I'll try to embed it, and then just put in a download link.

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

---

Re-adding a lot of exercise and going back on the Flat Belly Diet. I felt so very good on that.

After the 12th. *wry* So much for class till then. I'll go mad, but I''ll do it.

---

I was accepted to Seton Hill in Western PA. Guess I'm moving there come Spring.

Meant to post this here and crosspost to LJ, but. I didn't.

So I'll put it here now.

---

It's one of my favorite verses from the Bible. Especially because God's voice can come from anywhere--and anyone. So you have to be open to softening your heart and opening it to anyone and everyone, to forgiving them, to welcoming them in or back in.

That is the essence of Christianity. To refuse to harden your heart and to accept the forgiveness of others and give your own, while you welcome those you've been hurt by or angered by or even damaged by.

To do otherwise is to deny the faith. It is not easy, any more than loving others as God loves you is easy. It is still necessary.

If today you hear His voice--no matter from what source--harden not your heart.

---

So. Specialist appointment.

I don't think I've had a doctor appoitment that's left me so emotionally shaken. I've played Live Like You Were Dying more times than I want to admit.

So, here we go.

1) The doctor does believe I am getting better.

2) Until I am 100% cured of everything, my risk of dying remains just as high, though, especially from a heart attack (which I'm at extremely high risk for) or a brain anneurysm.

3) He is seeing more and more people dye of Lyme and/or bartonella all the time.

4) We have had to stop my bartonella treatment for now.

5) Not only the disease strains my body, but the many medications do as well. Especially my heart and liver. I've done remarkably well, given the doses I'm on and how many medications I'm on that do harm, long-term--and it's been a very long-term--but the fact remains that my liver and heart are...issues.

6) My stomach is also. I throw up about twice a week, and I'm no longer digesting food well; I sometimes throw up food I ate two days ago.

7) I'm on stimulants and muscle relaxants and pain killers and cyst busters and antibiotics and other kids of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories and and anti-parasitic drugs and supplements and vitamins and I can't even remember right now what else. All of them have side effects.

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So for some reason, and don't ask me why, it hit me harder emotionally than it ever has before. I think I've been in denial, or emotionally withdrawn.

THe odds of my dying are probably better than my living.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm honestly not.

I'm afraid to die, though, with regrets. With leaving things undone and unfinished and unresolved, with not dealing with the things that plague or haunt me, without trying as many times, or at least one last time, to fix things, especially things that are messed up for the most human and thus most foolish of reasons.

I don't mind dying, but I want to live in the meantime. I want to jump out of a plane. There's a cliff nearby that I plan to jump off of before I move in the spring; I'll get a ticket for jumping off of it into the river, but what do I care? I wanted to before and stopped myself; I won't now.

I want to do all the things that scare me.

I've forgiven everyone who's harmed me, ever. I've forgiven everyone I fought with. But I need to talk to them and try to restore a relationship, in many cases, especially in the cases where it's stupid. Validly painful, but for human reasons that were foolish on both sides. I need to try and heal that.

I need to do everything so I have not a hardened heart and so I have peace.

Then, whatever happens--and I'm going to continue to believe I'm going to get better, mind you--it'll be okay. I'll have done my best and all I can.

But I've got to do it. All of it, even if I have to ask some people for help for some of the things. I'd rather not, but in a few cases, I know I have to.

Because if I should be wrong and things don't work out--I've cried a lot the last few days. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make things better. I need to do all of this.

Because then it's okay, no matter what, and I don't need to worry. And I can keep living and believing I'll get better and enjoy everything to the fullest--but I have to do this. Or it will all get in the way. I hate that I have to ask for help for some, but I do; I hate that the odds are against me, but I hate odds.

I hate that I have to admit I'm scared, but it's not of dying; it's of not finishing or doing the things that need doing for it to be okay, no matter what.

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And that's that.

ETA: There are people who don't watch this blog (either here or on LJ) that I would really like to know about all of this. If you could maybe link to this post with a summary of health stuff et al and what I am doing...it would mean a lot. One of thoe things I have to ask help for, I guess.

I'm going to apply to all schools I planned to.

But please--if you have a spare room, a guest room, a room someone else could use, and you're in the area, consider helping me out as a room or housemate? And if you know someone you really trust who might have a room in a similar way, ask them as well?

There are always people who could help out. You tend to find out after the fact, when they didn't. So I know there's got to be an option out there beyond my going into more financial hell and living alone, which is not ideal for many reasons anyway.

Please. What you'd want done for you, help out another with.

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Now, more importantly: what things do you associate with me?

Anything, songs, stories, books in particular, lyrics in particular, flowers, a city, whatever--help me out, here. I need layouts all over, and I'm drawing blanks.

All right. Layout needs work. Lots and lots of work, obviously, though now I know what I want and how to do it, at least. But this can go up for now.

I'm Kat or Rose. Either works. Fandoms of mine include, but are not limited to, the following: X-Men (comics and movies), BSG, Firefly, The Chronicles of Narnia (books, thank you very much), Dr Who, Dark Tower, and Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys.

I'll making a post with a full list of my existing fanfic, but I'll add to it slowly; as I add each fic, I'm going back over and doing some editing as well.

I plan to use this for mostly fandom things, but also about my personal beliefs (religious, spiritual, political--the whole shebang), my chronic illnesses (Lyme Disease, bartonella, and babesiosis) and maybe a few others things. We'll see how that plan goes.

Just testing so there's something here as I play with layouts.