Time for Some Changes, My Dears and My Not-So-Dears

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:08:49 GMT

First, I'm not quitting RP. I am staying in all teh games, LJ and DW, I'm in for the moment. I have three plots with Kitty in Milliways, another new char I apped, stuff still with Del and Death (I never said they were gone), and I play Kitty in a DW game, that thank GOD with the flu past I can soon get back to.

That said.

...I don't really need these journals anymore.

I don't think most people care. I'm better, I'm worse, my liver's failing, I'm happy, I'm sad--whatever. But it's my life.

And I'm taking it back.

I'm not deleting these journals. In fact, I'm still using them. Quite a bit. I'm writing at least two things a week, starting next week, this year. And I may post things to share, or something silly. I have an obsession with Tyler Blackburn, atm, that may make me even watch Pretty Little Liars. (I kinda liked the books, really. But God. Not only is he my age, but the man is exactly my type.)

But my life, me, the intimacy--a lot of people lost the right to that. And others never wanted it.

And, most importantly, it's mine. And I'm keeping it close. It's not the internet's anymore.

I said I have PTSD. I'm not going into names, but I'll say this: every form of abuse you can think of, I've gone through. I will not be more descriptive than that, but you get the idea.

And I dealt with it.

That doesn't make me stronger than anyone else, but it does mean I was as strong as I had to be. And that's all you can hope for.

There will be private entries. I have a very real sense of my mortality these days. I'm emailing three people with links to certain entries, once they're up, and my password; if something happens to me, they are to make them public and link to them, with instructions to ask certain people in particular to read them.

I think part of the reason I used this journal system was to be busy so I was never angry. I was terrified of ever being angry. I knew peace. And I knew love. And I knew sudden, brief, turned-my-vision-red RAGE that died down immediately and left me feeling guilty, when it all boiled over.

2011 wasn't all bad. I learned to be angry, to deal with it, to let it go, and to forgive and love even those who hurt me most. I fell in love. I was kissed. I was a girlfriend for 24 hours. I was dumped. I dealt with all that too. Which is all you can do.

I learned that Christ's teachings and Christianity are very different things. And I learned that I can love Christ's teachings and follow them and be any other religion in the world, because it comes down to this: Don't be a hypocrite. Forgive and be open to love, otherwise you'll close yourself off with just your pain. Honor God by following the spirit of the law as well as the letter. Treat others as you'd be treated. Be honest

I can do those things and honor those things in just about any religion, I think. Not all. But most. And that's what's always been dearest to me. I think the human Jesus was always more beautiful to me than the God Christ. I think that's why, with all its inaccuracies in every religion, I love the book Lamb, because it looks at the human part. The part that the Gospels skip over, except for when Jesus weeps and in the Garden, when he asks the burden to be taken to him, and when on the cross he cries out asking God why the Lord's forsaken him.

Most people take days to die by crucifixion.

Jesus died in three hours.

Miracles come in all sorts of forms.

I read about an Orthodox Rabbi in Britain in...the 1600's, I think. Very respected, then, and now, who went about interviewing various Christian religious.

He came to the conclusion that Jesus and St Paul were part of God's plan for humanity, so that monotheism might spread throughout the world.

I'm not a huge fan of St Paul. I admit it. But I could buy that. I know, in my heart, Jesus was part of God's plan. I don't know anything more than that. That doesn't feel like enough to be a Christian, but it doesn't feel like enough to honor the Red-Letter-Words in the Gospels.

I'm still working it out. I don't know. But it's important. I want to. So I focus there a lot.

But beyond that, I'm not writing about religion either, for the most part.

And unhardening my heart? That's important. I might make some public. But that's mine, too.

So it's a change. Writing, and exercise, and diet, and silly things, and music, and tv, and book reviews. And I'll read your journals, and I'll keep RPing.

But I'm taking my life back from the net. It's not yours to share anymore. Because I don't know who cares.

But please, if you want to, you're welcome to. My email is comfortable.in.shadows @ gmail . com. Email me. Talk to me. Tell me what's what. The 411, as it were. Share things with me. Ask me for my phone number and call me! Gab and chat. And I'll welcome you.

I'm still here. I'm still writing. It's just a change.

I woke up January 1st, and I decided this was my year. Everything I have is invested in healing.

And in letting myself be angry where I should have been long ago.

And in walking away, where that's the best thing, the message I get, that I'm not wanted, because that's the best I can do, then. And leave the message behind that they're always welcome to come find me.

It's going to be an interesting year.

I'm not sure how. Different, of course.

But definitely interesting.

I'm okay with that, however it works out.

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what I do is me

Time for Some Changes, My Dears and My Not-So-Dears