22 April 2013 @ 09:09 pm
I've been (and am on) steroids for my head, which are finally (if slowly) starting to help. I'm also doing heavy -duty treatment for my various infections this summer, which is painful already. And it's just week one.

I'm not looking forward to any of this, except the end.

I don't know how it will affect my being online, but my knees seem to be the most painful part. So once my head is better, I think I'll be on much more. My amnesia is finally improving, too.

I'm grateful for all of you. Every last one. There are people not in my life any longer, but to be honest, I'm not sure I WANT any of them on my flist or in my life now. That said, for many of them, I'm grateful for the blessings they brought to my life while they were part of it.

And for those I'm just glad are gone, well, I still learned things -if the hard way -due to their presence. Like that someone can seem kind and still be poisonous, or that I don't have to go out of my way to make someone feel better when I know I didn't do anything wrong. I apologized far too often and when I should not have when I was younger, because I hated seeing others hurt.

I still hate seeing it. But I have enough respect for myself now to be able to review my actions, judge them, and accept that if there is truly nothing to apologize for, the best I can say is, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't apologize for what I never said or did. "

I even reached the point where I was (am) able to say, "I care about you, but you owe ME an apology, and I don't want to associate with someone who would say that to me unjustly and not consider his/her actions or words when I say I'm offended. "

Sound simple? Yeah, but it took me a lot of work to get to this point. I joke about how being raised Catholic and attending Catholic schools made me great at guilt, but it's true, too. Being able to reach the place where I don't automatically think I'm in the wrong took a long time. I'm proud of it.

I'm also proud of a ton of the people I know, here and elsewhere. Some of them have amazed me in things they've done or ways they've grown. Batya, Mylia, Alex, Debi, Madb, Beth, Sara, Tanya, Michelle, Gavin-man, I've got to stop for the sake of my hands, but please don't think that because you're not included by name means you're not one of the people I'm thinking on. So many of you have done so much. I mean, in matters of personal growth, and in things you've done for others.

Money is so tight right now, especially with the increased treatments, that I can't buy gifts for people any longer. School costs rrequire huge loans on top of that, and I doubt my parents will ever be able to retire. I'm going to have to sell most of my things, as energy allows. But if I could, I would. I admire many of you, and value all of you.

Please remember that.
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Zippy: kitty heart[personal profile] supermagpie on April 23rd, 2013 02:21 am (UTC)
I'm so glad to see you post again and to know you're improving. <3

Learning to cut those shitty poisonous people out of your life is so SO hard but the betterment that comes from it is so worth it, as is the painful process of learning to stop apologizing for that which you cannot help. Guilt is easy to acquire and heavier than we realize to carry.

*much love and good wishes*

Edited 2013-04-23 02:21 am (UTC)
Rose[personal profile] fire_and_a_rose on April 23rd, 2013 03:09 am (UTC)
Thank you, hon. *hugs* it's really hard right now, and things are going to get harder, but. There's nothing to do but get through it. There simply isn't another option.

I won't even say that all the people who were poisonous were shitty, exactly, though many were. I mean, given my allergies, onion is poison to me, but fine for many others. Some people are like that.

But some are, as you say, just plain shitty, too. I just think it's important to note the difference, if only for the sake of myself.

Either way, it's hard as hell to face the fact that someone you valued or cared about is just... No longer someone you want or can afford to associate with, for the sake of your own well-being.

It sucks. Hard. But again, like with medical treatment, you just have to deal with it.

And oh, the guilt. I truly wish I'd never gone to Catholic school, or at least not had one particular nun for a religion teacher. She left me terrified for YEARS that I was going to go to hell. Just. Total horror story, pre-Vatican II mindset. Without her, I'd still have guilt issues, but I'd have been so much happier and much more well adjusted all the years from, like 12-18.
Ashen Key: snuggle[personal profile] ashen_key on April 23rd, 2013 05:48 am (UTC)
Hey you, glad to hear from you, however briefly *hugs*
Rose[personal profile] fire_and_a_rose on April 23rd, 2013 06:42 am (UTC)
Thank you, hon. * hugs * I'm trying to be about more. And to have more to write about, but it's... The thing is, when you're in pain or doing medical treatment this severe, serious, and painful, it sorta takes over all your life. And it makes out hard to think of anything else, period, let alone to blog about.

I have several original story ideas, plus new ones for fic and old fic to finish. I want desperately to work on them, though I need to finish a paper (somehow) first. But everything feels, well, on hold, I guess, until things improve.

Which makes the fact that I'm turning 27 this week so incredibly depressing to me, but that I obviously can't change.
Ashen Key: [H&G] let's save this fucking town[personal profile] ashen_key on April 23rd, 2013 07:08 am (UTC)
I've had my health flaring up and being out to get me -physical and mental - for a little bit (and toss in my previous shrink who has now been KICKED OUT for being awful). Not nearly as bad as yours, but enough to throw me off kilter, too. So I understand a bit of the 'taking over life'. *fist-bump?*

Good luck with everything.
to the stars eternal: narnia: a mundane life[personal profile] levitsa on April 23rd, 2013 01:53 pm (UTC)
I'd been hoping to hear an update from you soon. You were on my mind this week so I'm glad to see your meds are helping. <3
Rose[personal profile] fire_and_a_rose on April 24th, 2013 02:25 pm (UTC)
Hey, you. * hugs* I'm glad to hear from you, too.

I'm so glad that my head is improving. Still can't use the computer for long, but. Ten, fifteen minutes here and there is doable.

I'm especially glad that the uni's provost finally gave me an extension for my Chaucer course; I have a 12 page paper to do, and it was due May 1St. Now it's due August 1st. She didn't want to give me one, despite swollen brain, concussion, migraines, difficulty with vision, oh yeah, I was injured ON CAMPUS DUE TO THEIR DANGEROUS LAYOUT OF CONCRETE. (They also wouldn't help with the cost of any treatment, because I have health insurance. Except, gee, health insurance covers not so much everything.)

Thankfully, my mother took over the emails -well, she had to, I just couldn't do the computer to write them -and mom did not so much give up. So. That class will be done as soon as my head allows. I have the bad feeling, though, that I'm going to need another course of steroids; I started on six a day, and now I'm at five, and going down even one has made my head so much worse. And I HATE steroids -weight gain, jittery muscles, trouble sleeping more than a few hours at a time, and more -but the pain is so bad. My skull is too tight around my brain atm, though, and I just. I cannot deal with this pain.
to the stars eternal: historical: smokes in the field of war[personal profile] levitsa on April 24th, 2013 03:04 pm (UTC)
My god :/ Dealing only with minor migraines on a regular basis (and having had a minor concussion once), you have all my sympathy. All that plus everything else must be hellish for you right now. I think Chaucer is loads of fun and I hope that despite all your paper can turn out to be a fun thing, instead of a tedious thing, at least in places.

A couple major/minor changes has hit me since you could do longer internet bursts; I came out to my parents who are in the denial stage (I'm not trans*, I'm a lesbian! Whatever. I am actually more /gay/ than anything else but they refuse to accept I am male), I have an EDS diagnosis & am riding ups & downs with trying to treat it (latest symptom: mobile ribs! I can dislocate my ribs by lying down on my side, which is the only comfortable position to sleep in for my knee...), and I proposed to my girlfriend two weeks ago, so I'm now engaged. I've got a few more visits with specialists in the works which might change my pain profile in the near future, fingers crossed.

I'm so glad your mom is in your support corner. I'm in Charlottesville so I don't know if I can offer anything more than moral support and e-hugs, but you've got e-hugs from me in spades.
memesis[personal profile] memesis on April 25th, 2013 05:36 am (UTC)
Take care of yourself. Your friends are keeping you in mind. :)
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Highlander II: [Ant] Dandy Highwayman[personal profile] highlander_ii on April 28th, 2013 09:18 am (UTC)
*fly-by on my way to bed b/c omg work tomorrow today*

{{hugs & internet flowers & also cookies}}

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shadowlongknife[personal profile] shadowlongknife on March 10th, 2014 12:53 pm (UTC)
Long time no see. Gavin linked this blog on facebook, and as I hadn't heard from you in a while (completely my fault, I've sadly neglected my livejournal for ages), I thought I'd come say hello, and to tell you that I am so very sorry that I hadn't checked in on you in a while.
Rose[personal profile] fire_and_a_rose on April 7th, 2014 02:00 am (UTC)
It's okay. *hugs* DIdn't see the notif until just now.