I've been (and am on) steroids for my head, which are finally (if slowly) starting to help. I'm also doing heavy -duty treatment for my various infections this summer, which is painful already. And it's just week one.

I'm not looking forward to any of this, except the end.

I don't know how it will affect my being online, but my knees seem to be the most painful part. So once my head is better, I think I'll be on much more. My amnesia is finally improving, too.

I'm grateful for all of you. Every last one. There are people not in my life any longer, but to be honest, I'm not sure I WANT any of them on my flist or in my life now. That said, for many of them, I'm grateful for the blessings they brought to my life while they were part of it.

And for those I'm just glad are gone, well, I still learned things -if the hard way -due to their presence. Like that someone can seem kind and still be poisonous, or that I don't have to go out of my way to make someone feel better when I know I didn't do anything wrong. I apologized far too often and when I should not have when I was younger, because I hated seeing others hurt.

I still hate seeing it. But I have enough respect for myself now to be able to review my actions, judge them, and accept that if there is truly nothing to apologize for, the best I can say is, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't apologize for what I never said or did. "

I even reached the point where I was (am) able to say, "I care about you, but you owe ME an apology, and I don't want to associate with someone who would say that to me unjustly and not consider his/her actions or words when I say I'm offended. "

Sound simple? Yeah, but it took me a lot of work to get to this point. I joke about how being raised Catholic and attending Catholic schools made me great at guilt, but it's true, too. Being able to reach the place where I don't automatically think I'm in the wrong took a long time. I'm proud of it.

I'm also proud of a ton of the people I know, here and elsewhere. Some of them have amazed me in things they've done or ways they've grown. Batya, Mylia, Alex, Debi, Madb, Beth, Sara, Tanya, Michelle, Gavin-man, I've got to stop for the sake of my hands, but please don't think that because you're not included by name means you're not one of the people I'm thinking on. So many of you have done so much. I mean, in matters of personal growth, and in things you've done for others.

Money is so tight right now, especially with the increased treatments, that I can't buy gifts for people any longer. School costs rrequire huge loans on top of that, and I doubt my parents will ever be able to retire. I'm going to have to sell most of my things, as energy allows. But if I could, I would. I admire many of you, and value all of you.

Please remember that.