Meant to post this here and crosspost to LJ, but. I didn't.
So I'll put it here now.
It's one of my favorite verses from the Bible. Especially because God's voice can come from anywhere--and anyone. So you have to be open to softening your heart and opening it to anyone and everyone, to forgiving them, to welcoming them in or back in.
That is the essence of Christianity. To refuse to harden your heart and to accept the forgiveness of others and give your own, while you welcome those you've been hurt by or angered by or even damaged by.
To do otherwise is to deny the faith. It is not easy, any more than loving others as God loves you is easy. It is still necessary.
If today you hear His voice--no matter from what source--harden not your heart.
So. Specialist appointment.
I don't think I've had a doctor appoitment that's left me so emotionally shaken. I've played Live Like You Were Dying more times than I want to admit.
So, here we go.
1) The doctor does believe I am getting better.
2) Until I am 100% cured of everything, my risk of dying remains just as high, though, especially from a heart attack (which I'm at extremely high risk for) or a brain anneurysm.
3) He is seeing more and more people dye of Lyme and/or bartonella all the time.
4) We have had to stop my bartonella treatment for now.
5) Not only the disease strains my body, but the many medications do as well. Especially my heart and liver. I've done remarkably well, given the doses I'm on and how many medications I'm on that do harm, long-term--and it's been a very long-term--but the fact remains that my liver and heart are...issues.
6) My stomach is also. I throw up about twice a week, and I'm no longer digesting food well; I sometimes throw up food I ate two days ago.
7) I'm on stimulants and muscle relaxants and pain killers and cyst busters and antibiotics and other kids of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories and and anti-parasitic drugs and supplements and vitamins and I can't even remember right now what else. All of them have side effects.
So for some reason, and don't ask me why, it hit me harder emotionally than it ever has before. I think I've been in denial, or emotionally withdrawn.
THe odds of my dying are probably better than my living.
I'm not afraid to die. I'm honestly not.
I'm afraid to die, though, with regrets. With leaving things undone and unfinished and unresolved, with not dealing with the things that plague or haunt me, without trying as many times, or at least one last time, to fix things, especially things that are messed up for the most human and thus most foolish of reasons.
I don't mind dying, but I want to live in the meantime. I want to jump out of a plane. There's a cliff nearby that I plan to jump off of before I move in the spring; I'll get a ticket for jumping off of it into the river, but what do I care? I wanted to before and stopped myself; I won't now.
I want to do all the things that scare me.
I've forgiven everyone who's harmed me, ever. I've forgiven everyone I fought with. But I need to talk to them and try to restore a relationship, in many cases, especially in the cases where it's stupid. Validly painful, but for human reasons that were foolish on both sides. I need to try and heal that.
I need to do everything so I have not a hardened heart and so I have peace.
Then, whatever happens--and I'm going to continue to believe I'm going to get better, mind you--it'll be okay. I'll have done my best and all I can.
But I've got to do it. All of it, even if I have to ask some people for help for some of the things. I'd rather not, but in a few cases, I know I have to.
Because if I should be wrong and things don't work out--I've cried a lot the last few days. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make things better. I need to do all of this.
Because then it's okay, no matter what, and I don't need to worry. And I can keep living and believing I'll get better and enjoy everything to the fullest--but I have to do this. Or it will all get in the way. I hate that I have to ask for help for some, but I do; I hate that the odds are against me, but I hate odds.
I hate that I have to admit I'm scared, but it's not of dying; it's of not finishing or doing the things that need doing for it to be okay, no matter what.
And that's that.
ETA: There are people who don't watch this blog (either here or on LJ) that I would really like to know about all of this. If you could maybe link to this post with a summary of health stuff et al and what I am doing...it would mean a lot. One of thoe things I have to ask help for, I guess.
So I'll put it here now.
It's one of my favorite verses from the Bible. Especially because God's voice can come from anywhere--and anyone. So you have to be open to softening your heart and opening it to anyone and everyone, to forgiving them, to welcoming them in or back in.
That is the essence of Christianity. To refuse to harden your heart and to accept the forgiveness of others and give your own, while you welcome those you've been hurt by or angered by or even damaged by.
To do otherwise is to deny the faith. It is not easy, any more than loving others as God loves you is easy. It is still necessary.
If today you hear His voice--no matter from what source--harden not your heart.
So. Specialist appointment.
I don't think I've had a doctor appoitment that's left me so emotionally shaken. I've played Live Like You Were Dying more times than I want to admit.
So, here we go.
1) The doctor does believe I am getting better.
2) Until I am 100% cured of everything, my risk of dying remains just as high, though, especially from a heart attack (which I'm at extremely high risk for) or a brain anneurysm.
3) He is seeing more and more people dye of Lyme and/or bartonella all the time.
4) We have had to stop my bartonella treatment for now.
5) Not only the disease strains my body, but the many medications do as well. Especially my heart and liver. I've done remarkably well, given the doses I'm on and how many medications I'm on that do harm, long-term--and it's been a very long-term--but the fact remains that my liver and heart are...issues.
6) My stomach is also. I throw up about twice a week, and I'm no longer digesting food well; I sometimes throw up food I ate two days ago.
7) I'm on stimulants and muscle relaxants and pain killers and cyst busters and antibiotics and other kids of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories and and anti-parasitic drugs and supplements and vitamins and I can't even remember right now what else. All of them have side effects.
So for some reason, and don't ask me why, it hit me harder emotionally than it ever has before. I think I've been in denial, or emotionally withdrawn.
THe odds of my dying are probably better than my living.
I'm not afraid to die. I'm honestly not.
I'm afraid to die, though, with regrets. With leaving things undone and unfinished and unresolved, with not dealing with the things that plague or haunt me, without trying as many times, or at least one last time, to fix things, especially things that are messed up for the most human and thus most foolish of reasons.
I don't mind dying, but I want to live in the meantime. I want to jump out of a plane. There's a cliff nearby that I plan to jump off of before I move in the spring; I'll get a ticket for jumping off of it into the river, but what do I care? I wanted to before and stopped myself; I won't now.
I want to do all the things that scare me.
I've forgiven everyone who's harmed me, ever. I've forgiven everyone I fought with. But I need to talk to them and try to restore a relationship, in many cases, especially in the cases where it's stupid. Validly painful, but for human reasons that were foolish on both sides. I need to try and heal that.
I need to do everything so I have not a hardened heart and so I have peace.
Then, whatever happens--and I'm going to continue to believe I'm going to get better, mind you--it'll be okay. I'll have done my best and all I can.
But I've got to do it. All of it, even if I have to ask some people for help for some of the things. I'd rather not, but in a few cases, I know I have to.
Because if I should be wrong and things don't work out--I've cried a lot the last few days. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make things better. I need to do all of this.
Because then it's okay, no matter what, and I don't need to worry. And I can keep living and believing I'll get better and enjoy everything to the fullest--but I have to do this. Or it will all get in the way. I hate that I have to ask for help for some, but I do; I hate that the odds are against me, but I hate odds.
I hate that I have to admit I'm scared, but it's not of dying; it's of not finishing or doing the things that need doing for it to be okay, no matter what.
And that's that.
ETA: There are people who don't watch this blog (either here or on LJ) that I would really like to know about all of this. If you could maybe link to this post with a summary of health stuff et al and what I am doing...it would mean a lot. One of thoe things I have to ask help for, I guess.
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