Okay, so, fibercrack, in reblogging the post about the fundraiser my friends are running to help me--and I thank each of you who has donated and each of you has reblogged or linked to the post in question, I truly do--said, in talking about me, "[...] and she has had a rough run of it for just about always."



And I try to be positive--I think of myself as a cautiously optimistic realist--about my life and I know that there are people out there who are far worse off than I am.



But I hate flying, I hate it with the passion of a thousand stars going supernova all in the same instant, and that's because I've had horrible experiences when doing so.



The one that stands out in mind took place two weeks before Christmas, 2005. My parents let me go overseas--for the first time at all, and on my own, though I was 19--to spend Christmas with my friend who had been an exchange student at my college the previous year.



First the plane was delayed for four hours. Well, it sucked, but you meet people, there was a restaurant and bar, you talk--could've been worse.



Finally, we get on the plane. And a guy starts smoking. The steward told him he had to put it out or get off the plane. The smoking man, that is, had to stop smoking or get off the plane. Not the steward.



Smoking Man, we then all found out--as he was quite loud--was actually Smoking-and-Drunk Man. And he informed the steward he wasn't getting off the plane. Nor would he cease to smoke.



At this point, two additional attendents have arrived to help force Smoking-and-Drunk Man--or S-and-D Man, from now on--off the plane.



That would be when S-and-D Man announced he had bombs on the plane that he would blow up if they didn't let him smoke.



No one thought he actually did, but you follow procedure anyway. The FBI showed up. Bomb sniffing dogs arrived.



And that's when we found out that S-and-D Man was actually S-and-D Terrorist, as there were, in fact, bombs on the airplane.



So S-and-D Terrorist is taken away in shackles on his hands and feet both, but all of us have to be rebooked. I won't go into the chaos that followed, because there was a bombs--or there were bombs, I was never clear on how many--on my bloody airplane!



My cat is a therapy animal, which means as long as I bring a letter from a psychiatrist saying I need her, she flies for free with me, and my anxiety stays under control. Panic attacks that involve me sobbing and shaking are thus averted, because I hate taking anxiety medicine, I don't like how I feel on it, so I have Ember, my lovely therapy cat, instead.



But I can't take her with me to the hotel today, so, while I do have my father and another person helps, I have to take some of the Absolute Emergency Only xanax before I get on the plane.



It gets better, because we're going to see my Lyme specialist, which is a long--normally 2-4 hours--stressful appointment, which can be filled with good or very, very bad news.



So. I'm not loving today. In fact, I'm hating it. I'm putting off showering, dressing, and packing until 11:30, when we leave at 1 PM. I know that's enough time, but I just. I hate doing this, and I have to every three months. Which, believe me, is not as much time as you think it is. it passes in the wink of am eye.



Just. Shit. That's it. Shit.



I need a vacation from my life. Or a vacation, period. I may be going to Florida, but that's because that's where the specialist IS. It has nothing to do with a vacation, and I'll be too tired from the appointment and having massive amounts of blood drawn from me at once to do anything. It's possible we might go see a movie. But I doubt it.



Just...think good thoughts my way? Please? And also, thank you, again, people who donated and who linked to and/or reblogged about the fundraiser. I've been able to pay off the only debt I had, so I don't have to worry about interest there, which is awesome. And money for IUD and surgery is slowly but surely building. So, thank you.



There. A positive note to end this on. Rather than an hysterical one. In the "fits of hysteria" way, not the "incredibly humorous" way. Cautiously optimistic realist. I will not panic. The flight will be fine, the appointment needs to be done, and the news will probably not be bad, as we know I'm getting better, no matter how shitty I still feel 2/3-3/4 of the time. Optimism! And no panic attacks. That's the plan for the day.

And since it was my right hand both times, I now have a great deal of pain on that entire side of my body.

Why me?

---

I think it may be time to change my username here and on lj and other places again.

Sometimes, it feels right.

But I want a paid account here, first, with lovely extra icons, and, uh, that is not in the budget.

Eventually, though. Ideas are appreciated for a new account name; often one I don't use helps me think of the one I will, after all.

---

Right side hurts and itches. I'm so curling up now.

First, I'm not quitting RP. I am staying in all teh games, LJ and DW, I'm in for the moment. I have three plots with Kitty in Milliways, another new char I apped, stuff still with Del and Death (I never said they were gone), and I play Kitty in a DW game, that thank GOD with the flu past I can soon get back to.

That said.

...I don't really need these journals anymore.

I don't think most people care. I'm better, I'm worse, my liver's failing, I'm happy, I'm sad--whatever. But it's my life.

And I'm taking it back.

I'm not deleting these journals. In fact, I'm still using them. Quite a bit. I'm writing at least two things a week, starting next week, this year. And I may post things to share, or something silly. I have an obsession with Tyler Blackburn, atm, that may make me even watch Pretty Little Liars. (I kinda liked the books, really. But God. Not only is he my age, but the man is exactly my type.)

But my life, me, the intimacy--a lot of people lost the right to that. And others never wanted it.

And, most importantly, it's mine. And I'm keeping it close. It's not the internet's anymore.

I said I have PTSD. I'm not going into names, but I'll say this: every form of abuse you can think of, I've gone through. I will not be more descriptive than that, but you get the idea.

And I dealt with it.

That doesn't make me stronger than anyone else, but it does mean I was as strong as I had to be. And that's all you can hope for.

There will be private entries. I have a very real sense of my mortality these days. I'm emailing three people with links to certain entries, once they're up, and my password; if something happens to me, they are to make them public and link to them, with instructions to ask certain people in particular to read them.

I think part of the reason I used this journal system was to be busy so I was never angry. I was terrified of ever being angry. I knew peace. And I knew love. And I knew sudden, brief, turned-my-vision-red RAGE that died down immediately and left me feeling guilty, when it all boiled over.

2011 wasn't all bad. I learned to be angry, to deal with it, to let it go, and to forgive and love even those who hurt me most. I fell in love. I was kissed. I was a girlfriend for 24 hours. I was dumped. I dealt with all that too. Which is all you can do.

I learned that Christ's teachings and Christianity are very different things. And I learned that I can love Christ's teachings and follow them and be any other religion in the world, because it comes down to this: Don't be a hypocrite. Forgive and be open to love, otherwise you'll close yourself off with just your pain. Honor God by following the spirit of the law as well as the letter. Treat others as you'd be treated. Be honest

I can do those things and honor those things in just about any religion, I think. Not all. But most. And that's what's always been dearest to me. I think the human Jesus was always more beautiful to me than the God Christ. I think that's why, with all its inaccuracies in every religion, I love the book Lamb, because it looks at the human part. The part that the Gospels skip over, except for when Jesus weeps and in the Garden, when he asks the burden to be taken to him, and when on the cross he cries out asking God why the Lord's forsaken him.

Most people take days to die by crucifixion.

Jesus died in three hours.

Miracles come in all sorts of forms.

I read about an Orthodox Rabbi in Britain in...the 1600's, I think. Very respected, then, and now, who went about interviewing various Christian religious.

He came to the conclusion that Jesus and St Paul were part of God's plan for humanity, so that monotheism might spread throughout the world.

I'm not a huge fan of St Paul. I admit it. But I could buy that. I know, in my heart, Jesus was part of God's plan. I don't know anything more than that. That doesn't feel like enough to be a Christian, but it doesn't feel like enough to honor the Red-Letter-Words in the Gospels.

I'm still working it out. I don't know. But it's important. I want to. So I focus there a lot.

But beyond that, I'm not writing about religion either, for the most part.

And unhardening my heart? That's important. I might make some public. But that's mine, too.

So it's a change. Writing, and exercise, and diet, and silly things, and music, and tv, and book reviews. And I'll read your journals, and I'll keep RPing.

But I'm taking my life back from the net. It's not yours to share anymore. Because I don't know who cares.

But please, if you want to, you're welcome to. My email is comfortable.in.shadows @ gmail . com. Email me. Talk to me. Tell me what's what. The 411, as it were. Share things with me. Ask me for my phone number and call me! Gab and chat. And I'll welcome you.

I'm still here. I'm still writing. It's just a change.

I woke up January 1st, and I decided this was my year. Everything I have is invested in healing.

And in letting myself be angry where I should have been long ago.

And in walking away, where that's the best thing, the message I get, that I'm not wanted, because that's the best I can do, then. And leave the message behind that they're always welcome to come find me.

---

It's going to be an interesting year.

I'm not sure how. Different, of course.

But definitely interesting.

I'm okay with that, however it works out.

I got my most recent blood work back.

A fair amount was quite good, really.

My liver continues to slowly--fail? Not work as well? They mean the same thing, but the first sounds melodramatic, and the second sounds...like someone's work evaluation, I guess. And the thing is, it's not doing HORRIBLY or anything, it's just...I know it's not doing well, either, and getting worse, even if very slowly. It's hard to figure out how to feel, to be honest, at all.

So. Not feeling in the best mood.

My last two work checks haven't come, so I'm owed over $100. And I owe about $300, ONCE I PAY THAT $100 towards debt.

Oh, and I'm on extension, but I still feel shitty, so I'll probably need to pay another $75 for a second month.

Good news: bought the stuff for the Flat Belly Diet, which I really am promoting, as last time I did it I lost unhealthy weight in areas I needed to, had more energy, strength, and endurance, and less stress. Actually, I promote getting both that and the Flat Belly Diet! Pocket Guide, as it has things like check-off shopping lists for each week, and options of what you can eat at restaurants and alternative food brands. The other book, meanwhile, has a lot more info, exercises, journal entries, and I think more recipes.

There is a cookbook, but honestly, don't bother buying it. Go to Prevention.com (who publish the books) and there are hundreds (I admit, that's a guesstimate on my part) of recipes for free for all four meals you have each day (breakfast, lunch, a snack that's normally a smoothie, and dinner).

As for the exercises in the main Flat Belly Diet book, they are designed to be things you can fit into your schedule, whatever it is; the author is a mother of three young children, and when consulting various experts for different parts, she wanted that to be one condition of the exercises. The other: no crunches. At all. They're proven to not be that effective anyway.

It's also designed to be cheap. If you have a Wii to use, great! If you want to just use the various exercises (including walking and running; walking is important and emphasized, so you do it each day, but if you can't go out for some reason, you can use something with the Wii or an exercise bike, or similar indoor exercise machine) in the book, then all you need to buy are:
- 2 sets of dumbbells (one heavier, one lighter, to work your way up)
- an exercise mat
- the book
- reflective shirt for when you're walking, depending on what times you are and where

If you WANT to, you can get the following things:
- An arm/leg band to hold your ID and keys, along with a ten or something
- Your cell phone, and a way to clip it to you, if you can't keep it in your purse comfortably
- If you want to, a way to attach your MP3 to yourself, and earbuds that stay on or an MP3 player with build in speakers
- Pedometer

More exercises of other types, along with playlists, and all kinds of related health info is on Prevention.com, to boot.

I'm linking to the two books on Amazon, as I did above, too, but you can get them for as well on Abebooks.com, though not necessarily for less. I see several for a buck on both sites. You just have to look. And not mind used if in good shape, from BOTH sites. But really? One isn't better--or cheaper--than the other, so check both. (And yes, I link with my affiliate account. It costs you no more than buying it without the affiliate code in there, I promise, whether you buy new or used, it helps me out, and there's Abebooks.com if it's cheaper.)

When I link to them on Amazon below, I'm also linking to the other existing ones, like the one for men, or diabetics.

I KNOW this helped me; I just need to get back to it. I may post excerpts or brief scans here or there from it, because it really is easy. (Why did I stop? My feet hurt so badly I couldn't stand to cook. Yep. That was it.)

Anyway. Here are the books, but a last note: I recommend getting the Pocket Guide with whatever main book you get as well. And, while I'm including a link to the journal, a journal is in the main book (at least the one without "for men" or "for diabetes" in the title.). Photocopy and/or a computer program can be your money-saving friend.

The Books

- The Flat Belly Diet: Hardcover | The Flat Belly Diet:: Softcover
- Flat Belly Diet! Pocket Guide: Introducing the EASIEST, BUDGET-MAXIMIZING Eating Plan Yet
- Flat Belly Diet! for Men: Hardcover | Flat Belly Diet! for Men: Softcover
- Flat Belly Diet! Diabetes: Hardcover


The Cook Books and Journal, If You Really Want Them

- Flat Belly Diet! Journal: Write Your Way to a Flatter Belly
- Flat Belly Diet! Family Cookbook
- Flat Belly Diet! Cookbook

Choose Any/As Many Numbers As You Want And Ask Me The Associated Question(s)



Seriously, ask anything.

---

I'm still stuck on this, and I probably will be for a good while, though it won't take over the blog. I do suspect I'll ask for ideas from time to time, or help if needed.

I promised myself I'll have no regrets when I die and leave nothing undone, and that is a promise I intend to keep, by God.

---

I don't know anymore what religion I belong in. Oh, I know God exists; I know God is loving. I know Christ and his work and death was part of God's plan for humanity, and I believe his teachings; I'm not sure I believe what people teach about him.

I don't know where I'll end up. But I'm not worried about that either. I don't have the energy to be worried, or anxious, or hold grudges, or hate. And I refuse to do any of them, either. What a waste of a life.

I think part of what finally pushed me over the edge was seeing so many people who claimed to be Christians act in such un-Christ-like ways. And that's almost a sort of cancer that eats away at true Christianity. Perfection is not required. But when the behavior, the average behavior, is un-Christ-like and it does not change...then there's a problem. And it decays the Church, eats away at all those who attend.

And it hurts.

And I don't think I can do it any more. God is my mother/father, my Ima--my informal name for God, like Mummy or Daddy, when I was little--and I love God. I feel God's presence every moment, or else I'd have just fallen asleep and never woken up a long time ago.

But I look at this path, and I look at so many others on it, and I see cruelty and abuse and hypocrites, in all denominations, I see anger and grudges and people who'd much rather hold on than let go, who harden their hearts instead of forgive, who close the door when someone knocks on it--and I feel tired and weak.

No religion is perfect. No human is perfect.

But I worry Christianity has worn me down, and I can't afford that anymore.

---

If it's in my head, it may as well be in yours, too. I'll try to embed it, and then just put in a download link.

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

---

Re-adding a lot of exercise and going back on the Flat Belly Diet. I felt so very good on that.

After the 12th. *wry* So much for class till then. I'll go mad, but I''ll do it.

---

I was accepted to Seton Hill in Western PA. Guess I'm moving there come Spring.

Meant to post this here and crosspost to LJ, but. I didn't.

So I'll put it here now.

---

It's one of my favorite verses from the Bible. Especially because God's voice can come from anywhere--and anyone. So you have to be open to softening your heart and opening it to anyone and everyone, to forgiving them, to welcoming them in or back in.

That is the essence of Christianity. To refuse to harden your heart and to accept the forgiveness of others and give your own, while you welcome those you've been hurt by or angered by or even damaged by.

To do otherwise is to deny the faith. It is not easy, any more than loving others as God loves you is easy. It is still necessary.

If today you hear His voice--no matter from what source--harden not your heart.

---

So. Specialist appointment.

I don't think I've had a doctor appoitment that's left me so emotionally shaken. I've played Live Like You Were Dying more times than I want to admit.

So, here we go.

1) The doctor does believe I am getting better.

2) Until I am 100% cured of everything, my risk of dying remains just as high, though, especially from a heart attack (which I'm at extremely high risk for) or a brain anneurysm.

3) He is seeing more and more people dye of Lyme and/or bartonella all the time.

4) We have had to stop my bartonella treatment for now.

5) Not only the disease strains my body, but the many medications do as well. Especially my heart and liver. I've done remarkably well, given the doses I'm on and how many medications I'm on that do harm, long-term--and it's been a very long-term--but the fact remains that my liver and heart are...issues.

6) My stomach is also. I throw up about twice a week, and I'm no longer digesting food well; I sometimes throw up food I ate two days ago.

7) I'm on stimulants and muscle relaxants and pain killers and cyst busters and antibiotics and other kids of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories and and anti-parasitic drugs and supplements and vitamins and I can't even remember right now what else. All of them have side effects.

---

So for some reason, and don't ask me why, it hit me harder emotionally than it ever has before. I think I've been in denial, or emotionally withdrawn.

THe odds of my dying are probably better than my living.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm honestly not.

I'm afraid to die, though, with regrets. With leaving things undone and unfinished and unresolved, with not dealing with the things that plague or haunt me, without trying as many times, or at least one last time, to fix things, especially things that are messed up for the most human and thus most foolish of reasons.

I don't mind dying, but I want to live in the meantime. I want to jump out of a plane. There's a cliff nearby that I plan to jump off of before I move in the spring; I'll get a ticket for jumping off of it into the river, but what do I care? I wanted to before and stopped myself; I won't now.

I want to do all the things that scare me.

I've forgiven everyone who's harmed me, ever. I've forgiven everyone I fought with. But I need to talk to them and try to restore a relationship, in many cases, especially in the cases where it's stupid. Validly painful, but for human reasons that were foolish on both sides. I need to try and heal that.

I need to do everything so I have not a hardened heart and so I have peace.

Then, whatever happens--and I'm going to continue to believe I'm going to get better, mind you--it'll be okay. I'll have done my best and all I can.

But I've got to do it. All of it, even if I have to ask some people for help for some of the things. I'd rather not, but in a few cases, I know I have to.

Because if I should be wrong and things don't work out--I've cried a lot the last few days. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make things better. I need to do all of this.

Because then it's okay, no matter what, and I don't need to worry. And I can keep living and believing I'll get better and enjoy everything to the fullest--but I have to do this. Or it will all get in the way. I hate that I have to ask for help for some, but I do; I hate that the odds are against me, but I hate odds.

I hate that I have to admit I'm scared, but it's not of dying; it's of not finishing or doing the things that need doing for it to be okay, no matter what.

---

And that's that.

ETA: There are people who don't watch this blog (either here or on LJ) that I would really like to know about all of this. If you could maybe link to this post with a summary of health stuff et al and what I am doing...it would mean a lot. One of thoe things I have to ask help for, I guess.